The 29th of this month will mark 11 years since my mom passed away. Her death at first for a long time a deep gulp in my throat to talk about but now I'm finally at a point of deep appreciation for who she was in my life and who I am through her. I am finally able to talk about the yin and yang points that made up my life with her. I'm beginning to be able to write the book I wanted to about her and my sister Kym. I can write with an insight that comes with a grateful heart rather than a sorrowful longing heart. A page at a time is sufficient for now but it's a good beginning since Kyms death was only not even 2 full years ago.
On an extension of love I'm learning to be able to say how I feel without being so harsh. I get judged a lot on not speaking which is funny because when I don't say something I'm actually not thinking about anything at all. I've gotten to the point in my life that my mind just does this. I also don't like my words to be used against me so not speaking is really a beautiful tool for me. It also creates a space that I think a lot of people including myself are uncomfortable with but in the end it's better really. And being uncomfortable with silence is totally okay. I am falling in love deeper with Debi because of our union in living a beautiful life. We are learning constantly how to cohabit and that is really cool. I was always really good at living alone and now I'm finally getting a grip at living with someone. I think this is a special case though since she is seriously my other half. Couldn't see myself able to do it with anyone else.
On the note of actual movement with my body I am studying a form of movement called Continuum. The class is 3 hours long and it seems we don't nearly get to move as much as we should but the dives go really deep so it is ok at the same time. I really missed moving in this deep layer in my body. Maybe because I'm so spiritual perhaps but all in all I feel like I'm coming home to my body again. I'm rebirthing my art form in retirement...perhaps relearning how to move from a very deep and meditated way.
My heart is full and my soul is alive...life is beautiful...and I'm so very grateful even through the layers of struggle that permeate....at the end of the day my heart is still beating, my soul is elated, my breaths can still go full and my eyes can still see clearly what's in front of me...Merde'
