Almost 40 and ready

These last few years have been incredible, crazy, frightening, humbling, beautiful and most of all...eye and heart opening.  I've learned how to be loved and how to love deeply. I never even thought about the importance of marriage since my engagement to back then at age 17, the man who I loved with all my heart. That engagement may have not persevered but now at almost 40 I finally get it. I've found what lucky in love really is. I guess I just never tried to understand that concept. Now my heart is so amazingly heavy and full and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure preparing to be in a same sex marriage wasn't something I ever thought would be in my future or even something I would dream of for my life. I'm not so sure I would wish the adversity it can have on anyone. However now that it's happening to me and becoming more open I'm so grateful to anyone who can truly love who their soul desires. I mean when it happens gender just doesn't matter. If you fight it you are missing out on something as beautiful as what my love and I have. I get so excited still when I see another same sex relationship because not only is it something I have but it reminds me of something so amazing to celebrate. All hail, this is my tribe now. This is where I belong! I never know how to initiate a conversation with them and my gaydar is usually broken, so how would one initiate it anyway but that's not really important. Why would I have to talk about it to them in the first place, they know how wonderful it is to love without the society boundaries. I never tried to talk to a hetero couple why would I to a same sex couple now. Regardless I am not social enough either way, the excitement just makes we want to sometimes. I can only figure my excitement is just that I am learning that it is a place I now belong and can actually say I'm really excited about! I will never date in any community again since I am with my forever love but just knowing this tribe is real and important in my life is all I need. Just like relating to another dancer, reiki practitioner, aromatherapist, lover of animals, etc..we all need to know that we have some kind of tribe out there even if we don't really want to go be one with them. I'm learning that I am a miracle child, that I am an introvert because I am a healer, that I am always a dancer even as I've retired from the rigors of training ( oh I miss the feelings though deep in my soul and my bones), I'm a choreographer and performer, I'm not dead as a performing artist, I am me right now in this moment. I am finding out who I am deep inside. I'm really not the messed up acoa anymore. I honor who raised me and my ancestry

with great care. I'm almost 40 and I'm no longer a victim in life but a warrior destined to be a sage woman. I am a woman in love with a woman. I am learning to breathe deeply before I speak, to stop in the moment and know what to just let go of, I feel spirit in everything around me and I no longer wrestle with it but enjoy and embrace it. I am learning to just let myself be human, to love deeply, to care without falling down on my own face, I'm learning about my soft boundaries. I'm learning to be who I am, to grow always while finding grounding in that. How does one survive without solid grounding? I really have lived that question and proved to myself how important it is to search for the good things that make you, you! I'm glad and terrified that I am where I am. I'm not done here but man oh man have I made splashes in my own war inside myself. Would I change my journey if I could go back? Yea if I could just to have thrived differently but when it comes down to it, the circle isn't really as broken as it could be. I'm here, I'm okay, I'm grateful and even through the trials I'm truly blessed that the love of my life is who she is. I now understand and feel deeply what having your other half means. I now get the importance of having your person in life. I get what the fight really is for...I'm not done fighting for it. I am a gypsy by nature and will always be perhaps but this love grounds me deeply and I couldn't imagine loving another being so intense. My best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my root in the earth. I'm lucky in love. I'm feeling okay and celebratory over the idea of being forty and growing stronger and deeper with the love of my life...in love and light, namaste.'