December 18th my nephew Brandon moved back to Oregon with his sweet little family. Debi and I became seriously ill with the flu around that time. I called in sick for work on Wednesday December 20th. I just happened to be sitting in the same chair as I am now when I got a voicemail (I never answer my phone because I leave it on silent) message from my sister in law. I called her back and she told me of the death of my niece Vanessa. Within two days of her brother moving back from Georgia. Two days! I couldn't breathe and I couldn't believe it. I hadn't seen her for awhile so it hadn't felt real. For the first time in years I got out of work to go to the coast to be with my family for Christmas. It was the saddest holiday I've had since I was a teenager when life was awful. Walking up to the door of my nephews where most of my family was I fell really hard on the pavement then had to brace myself for what was on the other side of the door. My God I couldn't breathe with the thick sadness and the real news of the tragedy. Seeing Vanessa's life of love and grace encased in all these people that were gathered in one room. Next after that day the heart ripping custody battle and pain of seeing Vanessa's 4 year old daughter without her. Fortunately Vanessa raised a sweet and social child that was interested in the sadness around her but in the mind of a 4 year old not quite knowing exactly what all of this heaviness meant. So then bringing in the new year we were all still so sad, what did bringing in 2018 even mean. We lost another member of our tribe. We were now waiting for the celebration of life of our 25 year old person with a heart of gold who was seriously and tragically gone way too soon. Next in February we had the celebration of life for our sweet Vanessa, our niece, our child, our mother, our sister, our fiancé, our aunt but never will be our grandmother or our wife. A sweet and sorrow ceremony mixed in one. A beautiful reality of someone we all love so much and just want to hug one more time. Next we bring a new baby into our tribe, my great nephew. The most exciting in life, a new life. Still in a bit of mourning came new life. Soon after we have a death in my fiancée's family and another memorial, this is a huge loss in her family. An elder who lead the family, her Aunt. Somewhere around this time Debi got to reconnect with her oldest son Gary and his sweet family in Arkansas. Then we have a graduation that we were waiting for so long. Debi did it, she graduated from LCC after many moments of tears and hard times. She did it, a time of joy and celebration! I then took on two new jobs after being in the veterinary field with so many euthanasia's, watching compassion fatigue and being bullied that I couldn't handle it anymore. Now we are in the thick of preparing for our wedding. After a plan to change locations we had different things to re work but we did it somehow! We get married on August 26th a day we will never forget and appreciate! Our families coming together and now we are forever committed in our beautiful lucky in love life we have together. My niece Riley announced her engagement. My nephew Jarrod successful in his job. Now we have just returned recently from our honeymoon! It brought in so much inspiration and magic in a place I never knew existed! Now I sit here regrouping what this year of being 42 entailed! I'm in severe hyperthyroid, struggle to be in a job that once again is full of sadness but like working with animals which brought me so much joy I take care of residents that I love dearly. My anxiety is overwhelming with my thyroid tanked but I'm excited to be inspired for more adventure, hopefully that doesn't involve the emotional roller coaster that this year brought. I am now a wife and step mother of 3 adults, a step daughter in law and a step grandmother to 5 grandsons. This year has been surreal to say the least. On this last day of being 42 I am grateful to turn 43! Aging is an honor that not everyone gets to experience. My life is in no way perfect but it definitely is beautiful even through so much this year! I hope 43 begins with this new career path that I'm hoping for, for myself but also for my wife! I hope for calm and good health for our families. I hope for more exhilarating adventures with my wife. I hope for more solitude and creative flow in my home! I hope for good health and well being for me, my wife and our old animals. 42 was rough and insane and joyful and sad and messy but it was what happened. May all of our hearts rest a bit more easy in the now and in the future! In love and light, namaste.'
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